Claiming the Self intro
This is the beginning of a series where I am completely honest with myself and dwell on some deeply unsettling feelings and questions I’ve been running from for as long as I can remember. It’s about my identity, my interests, and my lived experience.
At 26, I feel both the inescapable pull and the necessity to finally face these things—for one simple reason: to honor my experience as a human being and stop drifting through life. I’m writing and sharing this because, for as long as I can remember, I’ve carried a quiet sense of melancholy. It has taken many forms—health anxiety, an obsession with productivity, harsh self-criticism. But deep down, I always knew something was off, that something needed to change. Then life got better, and honestly, I forgot about it all. Or at least, I thought I did. But the truth is, those feelings remained, even if I pretended everything was fine. And sometimes, I did feel fine. That masking isn’t always intentional—it’s subtle, almost cynical. Like a snake.
That melancholy is so quiet you almost don’t take it seriously. I guess that’s how I’ve been. And then one day, on a metro ride, it hit me: the problem had burrowed so deep into my subconscious that it shaped everything—how I talk to myself, the life decisions I make, my friendships, how I spend my days. Everything.
So I’m writing this series to help myself, first and foremost. But also in the hope that if someone else feels this way, they might feel less alone. Because I’ve always felt less alone when I read something that resonated with me.
I’m on a quest to slowly, deliberately understand the challenges I face—like having a scattered, decontextualized sense of self; the tension between performing and inhabiting experiences; the absence of repetition and ritual; and a disconnection from place. All of it ties into the theme of identity, which is why it feels so vulnerable and sensitive to write about.
But more than anything—and through constant, painful trial and error—I’ve come to understand one thing: if anythingmatters in this life, it’s being honest with yourself. Everything else follows from that. And I’m too scared to live a life that’s dishonest, performative, or unintentional. So here we go, right into the mouth of the creature.